[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
You Might Also Like
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Good boy 😂😂
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me :
All Day At Night
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water