[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
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I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%