[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
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“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
time for some seasonal decor
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.