[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
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Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up