Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.