[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
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There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.