[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
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You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Today’s Times
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.