“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
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WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
good morning
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.