After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
You Might Also Like
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.