After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
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This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES