After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
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Me My dog
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.