After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
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God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝