[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
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Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
he’s doing your taxes
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
You are what you delete.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.