[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
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imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.