When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir