Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
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One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.