@_SingleBabyMama: After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said "I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work."
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@man_spach: "I'm sorry I could never do that for you," said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.
@truegritrumble: Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
@GrantTanaka: [sees date shivering] me: here, take my jacket her: aw thanks me: also, take my shirt her: oh, u don’t have to- me: [unbuttons pants]
@Tommytoughstuff: *Puts air guitar back in air case* "Listen if you wanted a "real guitarist" maybe you should put that in the ad!"