Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
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CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides