“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
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My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Duolingo getting serious.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me