After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
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I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Ken is short for chicken
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.