[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!