after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
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The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace