after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
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Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Canada has crack?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.