Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
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How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.