[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Breaking news:
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
is this a warning or an offer?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits