After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
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haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
The Sun’s probably Asian.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”