Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.