After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
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I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
time for some seasonal decor
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.