After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
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You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.