[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
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[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Just parrot things
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
#dnd #ttrpg
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
another case of gang violins
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate