[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really