@MarfSalvador: [After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where's the artist?
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@fightforfood: Contrary to obvious physics, you can't attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.
@Chumpstring: [sinking ship] CAPTAIN: dammit RAT: i'm leaving CAPTAIN: i'm staying CAPTAIN'S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i'm excited to see how this plays out
@TraylorParker: Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON! Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk? Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we're walking home.
@SliNtuli: People focus too much on the treachery of the wolf in sheep's clothing and not at all at the wolf's exceptional sewing skills.