[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
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Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Ummm
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows