After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
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I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
“our sushi is very fresh”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Investing in beetcoin
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia