If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
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me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
*puts cutlery down*
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”