I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.