(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
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Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.