After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
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Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.