After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
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10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.