After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Sounds like a bargain
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.