[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
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Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.