@notalogin: After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn't shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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@brucepoontip: If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
@OhNoSheTwitnt: If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she's always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
@AmishPornStar1: My wife's yoga class is really relaxing... 'Cuz she's usually gone for at least two hours.
@InigoUnleashed: Making a frisbee out of bread. Let's see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!