@notalogin: After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn't shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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@shegotagronk: It's fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you're sleeping & know when you're awake it's "creepy" and "sir, you're under arrest"
@PJTLynch: Nothing's more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
@RowdyBowden: We're gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were "Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!"