After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.