After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
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I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me, in DM rooms…
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…