[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
when someone rings the doorbell
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]