[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
You Might Also Like
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
greetings!
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Cucumbers Anonymous
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Imma just leave this here…………
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.