I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
are they though??
this country is so goddamn polarized
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what