“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
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My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it