After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
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I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…