they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
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me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.