@timdonakowski: After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.
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@DaHess1: Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
@MyPolishFace: Me: guess what I shaved! Him: your armpits? Me: no Him: your mustache? Me: no Him: your nec- Me: I don't wanna play this game anymore
@AGreaterMonster: I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.