After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
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2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I bet
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.