[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
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Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁