After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
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A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Can. I. Help. You.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?