After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
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[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours